CAVE Interview Series: Maddox

Meet Maddox.

He’s an American writer, humorist and masculinity ambassador.

In 1997, he launched his blog; The Best Page in the Universe, which has generated over 250 million hits to date.

But Maddox’s intellectual prowess ranges far beyond his website. He’s also written a New York Times best-selling book (The Alphabet of Manliness) and recently penned its follow-up; Crappy Children’s Art.

The author, satirist, and champion of working-class men everywhere agreed to sit down with our own Luke Boardman to discuss masculinity, wisdom, and pedagogical ass-kickery.

Their conversation is presented below.

1. In 1997 you were a guy with a blog. Now you’re a New York Times best-selling author and working on projects for TV networks. Success is a wily mistress. Are you more wary of breaking under the strain like Dave Chappelle, or of slowly trailing off into irrelevance like Jerry Seinfeld?

Neither.

I see myself going more along the route of Matt Stone & Trey Parker. I do what I do because I love doing it. This is it.

I’ve done this in good times and bad, long before anyone paid me to do it, and I’ll keep doing it because it’s part of who I am. I don’t have a choice; I’m full-time awesome. It’s like someone kicked me into high gear and broke off the handle.

2. You’ve been writing some books as of late, most recently Crappy Children’s Art. Doesn’t writing a fancy-dancy art review contradict the spirit of your first book, The Alphabet of Manliness?

Anyone who’s calling the book “fancy-dancy” is an asshole.

My grading of children’s art is a blunt, honest, truth-torrent of pure pedagogical ass-kickery. I’m not dancing around the fact that children’s artwork sucks, I’m packing it down a cannon along with nails and broken glass, and launching it into my readers’ eye-holes.

There are many different styles of writing. Writing is manliest when your reader feels like his or her senses have been bludgeoned after reading it. The style of The Alphabet of Manliness doesn’t contradict Crappy Children’s Art any more than a broadsword contradicts a katana.

3. Let’s say Chuck Norris is searching for a protégé to carry on his legacy here on earth so that he and his wife can go prepare for the thousand years of darkness that will surely follow in the wake of Obama’s reelection. Chuck Norris tells Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood and Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men to take a walk into the woods. Both men cross the tree line unarmed. Who comes back out alive?

Daniel Plainview has enough crazy misanthropic rage to kick his foot through Chigurh’s back, pull out a coil of intestines and wear it like an ankle warmer. Of course, this victory would be short-lived, because having to be Chuck Norris’ protégé would be a bittersweet victory to someone who hates people as much as Plainview.

He would come out the victor and summarily kill himself at the prospect of being in the presence of another human being, even if that person were Chuck-fucking-Norris.

4. Mustaches have historically occupied a convoluted place in the annals of men’s history. Cowboys, dictators, Gallagher, porn actors, hipsters, Tom Selleck, and pedophiles have all incorporated it into their personas at some point. Where do you stand on the mustache divide?

The mustache is badass, and will weather any pangs of impropriety caused by its incorporation by hipsters, Gallagher or pedophiles. Associating the mustache with these dipshits is an inductive fallacy- all pedophiles might be humans, but that doesn’t mean that all humans are pedophiles.

The great majority of mustache-donning men have jobs in the lumber or trucking industry, and work long hours for little pay doing honest work for little-to-no recognition.

The mustache is all that some men have got, and a beard is just a mustache that hasn’t been trimmed, so no, mustaches aren’t going anywhere… except maybe between the boobs of busty women in need of a good motor-boating.

5. What advice can you give to our readers out there who feel sort of manly, but would like to take their testosterone drip to the next level?

Manliness comes from having rock-solid resolve and a hearty constitution.You kick ass judiciously, keep to yourself and don’t look for trouble unless trouble comes looking for you. It’s about having balls, making no excuses for your fuck-ups, and taking the reins when you need to. All the other stuff is window dressing that comes with the territory of being manly. Wrestle ‘gators? Cool; that sounds like someone who has balls and is ready to take responsibility for his fuck-ups (lost arm, legs, wiener, etc).

That’s manliness.

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