Miscellaneous

November 7, 2011

10 People You See on Public Transit

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Written by: Jordan Scheltgen
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transit

This post is going to focus on the 10 people who you will see on Public transit. This is anything from the skytrain/subway to buses/streetcars. Once again if you have extras please post them in the comments section below.

1. Its 5 o clock somewhere Guy - It’s 11 am and this guy is so drunk that you start to think he potentially could have been riding the subway all night. However, that is far from the case, he started probably upon awakening and then decided that he would take a little trip on the subway/bus…to the looney bin. This guy makes the ride just plain uncomfortable for those around him. His open 6 pack and disregard for anyone around him has you wishing that your stop could come sooner; but it isn’t so why don’t you just get cozy and ask for a pint.

2. Thug Life- It never ceases to amaze me how many guys wear clothing that would have made them badass 10 years ago. How can you take someone seriously when you see them decked out in FUBU. Thug life is usually covered in bad tattoos and sits around 130 pounds. The Napoleonic complex that this person has acquired has caused them to think that they can fight the world. Thus, they mean mug anyone who comes on the bus/train like its their turf. The age really ranges on this character. I find the older that they are, the more crazy they have become. Not crazy tough, just crazy.

3. Music Man - This guy thinks he’s DJing the bus. His headphones are on so loud that everyone can hear his horrible taste in music. Possibly due to being half deaf, the Music Man does not notice that his death metal/gangster rap is actually loud enough for everyone to hear. Sometimes music man will begin to dance with himself using the bus poles to brace himself. If the show, “Dances with Cars,” ever comes to life, then Music Man has hit the Jackpot.

4. Captain Conspiracy - This could quite possibly be my favourite person that you see on public transit. Captain Conspiracy can come in the shape of a homeless man, or a person in regular clothes. It is the person in regular clothes that can lure you into conversation….and just like that you stuck listening to the Captain babble. The Captain usually believes that the government is out to get everyone, that there are spy cameras everywhere, all cellphones are tapped, or that all of our food is drugged. Every encounter is so unique with the Captain that it makes it hard to pinpoint one conspiracy theory. If you have a long bus ride, you are in for it with the Captain.

5. The Leaper- The subway/skytrain is obviously full. Everyone is already as uncomfortable as they are willing to be at 7 am. This is when the leaper pounces on his prey like a jungle cat. He starts his walk to the subway platform at a normal speed, being careful and possibly courteous to the people around him. Though once he sees the train, all bets are off. You being on the train see him running and it appears to be in almost slow motion. As he approaches the train, he sees that it is full, but god damn it he just ran 20 metres in a Suit and he is going to make it. Then in an instant he runs and shoves the crowd back to make room for himself. Then he looks with the smile to everyone like, “Wow I almost didn’t make it.” The rest of the cart doesn’t share the same feelings of joy; everyone else would like to punch this guy in the face.

6. My Porsche is in the Shop - This is the biggest dick on public transit. He acts like he is better than every single person on the cart, because he is dressed nice. He puts off the perception that he owns an enterprise and drives a Ferrari, though in reality he probably works at a bank and drives a prius. I’m not knocking on the prius, It’s great for the environment and keeps douchebags like this off away from regular people.

7. Guy who thinks he’s on a chartered Subway - This guy needs a car. He has set up a complete base camp on the subway. He has his bag beside him, an instrument across from him and two seats unoccupied so he can take a nap. As the subway fills he does not move his shit, he simply watches is it to make sure nobody moves it. I guess he lives like Ricky Bobby, “if you aren’t first, you’re last.”

8. Shouldnt you be in School? - This is the group of 14-year-old kids dressed in clothes way to baggy for them, that have decided they would hang out on the transit system all day. One of these kids probably has a mushroom cut….he’s the one to look out for. These kids are loud, possibly high, and think that the subway cart is their personal jungle gym. These are the kids that think spray painting is cool. Everyone knows spray painting isn’t cool…it’s how you build your street cred.

9. The Boss of B.O. - If you know who I am talking about here, then you have obviously made this mistake before. You walk on to the crowded bus and see a couple empty seats. You think to yourself, “it’s my lucky day!” Well unfortunately in the midst of your salivating over an empty seat you forgot to peak a few seats down to the see the Boss. This person smells so bad, it is almost like half of the bus has decided to quarantine the Boss. He or She can appear to be completely normal, but they are not. They are still living like 6 year olds and taking baths twice a week. The B.O. Boss needs a shower immediately.

10. Daytime of the Night - This is the person that I hoped looked great the night before, because on the bus they look like shit. They obviously had a crazy night of partying, made some bad decisions and ultimately through their inhibitions to the wind. Well the wind has blown right back at them. They are in what looks to be a prom dress for the girls, or mangled club clothes for the guys. A little bit of puke on their shoes and Voila… you have the Daytime of the Night. The ride of shame back home to your parent place is never a good one. Next time don’t fall in love for the night and go home with your friends.

Once again feel free to add any others in the comment section.

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About the Author

Jordan Scheltgen
Originally from Vancouver, Jordan Scheltgen now lives in Toronto. He is the Editor-in-Chief of CAVE Magazine. He is responsible for finalizing all projects. He holds a honours degree in Political Science from the University of Toronto. He also makes 1/2 hour brownies in 20 minutes and can perform mediocre handstands.




 
 

 
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